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Written on April 23, 2013

I’m Ready for My Close Up

Monster Movie Poster

Wolfman Plush Doll

Mummy Hands

Mummy Plush Doll

Dracula Plush Doll

Dracula Plush Doll

On a cold and frosty November evening, they arrived. Handsome linen envelopes sealed with red wax. The waiting was over. Only a select few would attend. Those who did would remember it as a gala event — an epic unlike anything ever done before. The screening of the long awaited, much anticipated Frankencurse. It was a Brian De Palma film, so you know it was going to be golden.

To three individuals in the audience, though, it was more-much more than just a film premiere. It had been the chance of a lifetime. A much hoped for big break. The culmination of a failed dream and poorly directed ambition.

You see, Count Dracula, Wolfman and Mummy had all read for the lead role, believing the title, Frankencurse, to be a small oversight on the director’s part. They all felt the starring part (which by the way was written specifically for Frankenstein) was an insignificant detail that could be reworked to suit their individual and unique qualities.

When the monstrous trio arrived to read for the part, it was awkward to say the least. The director had tried to reason with the trio — explaining that the role had already been filled. And after a short period of what you might call “making a scene” (read begging), the crew decided to let them read as a courtesy to Frank.

The problems were clear right from the start. Dracula’s accent — a major issue. The Mummy’s bandages came unravelled more than once, as he fumbled and stumbled throughout the reading. And Wolfman? Well, where to start? He doesn’t even talk! His growling and grunting, while cute at first, simply slaughtered the gentle nuances of the script. He finally gave up and simply reconciled himself to a series of weird, disjointed movements so the camera could catch him from different angles. Needless to say, they were promptly escorted off the set. It was a bad day, an embarrassing day, for our three friends. They were sure they would never darken the doorsteps of tinsel town again.

Then the invitations arrived. It didn’t matter that Frank, a long time friend, had convinced the higher ups to show some sympathy and send the courtesy tickets. No, they were back! And now, invites in hand, cloaks freshly pressed, bandages tightly wrapped and fur brushed, they wait. They wait for the event of
the year — to be seen and heard once more. Surely this is their key to success. Three Hollywood heroes — a revival for the ages…

And now we wait, worried and wondering about how things are going to shake out. We’re hoping it doesn’t get ugly, because I think we all remember the roller derby debacle of 2009. I still have scars from that night!

We do hope to see you at the event of the year. I wonder which will be more interesting — the movie, or the red carpet walk of Count Dracula, Wolfman and The Mummy? I have my money on the latter, and I can’t wait to see how it goes. Remember to cut them a break will ya?

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